A Rush Of Blood (LOVE) To The Head (Heart)

It is over. Xander’s first Christmas. It’s done. I’m sitting here, watching him on the video monitor as he resists sleep, and crying…

In all honesty, I am glad to see the back of Christmas. I didn’t even wrap X’s presents until 2 hours ago. I bought him a few, got over Christmas, and haven’t looked at them since (until wrapping them, that is). I’m becoming the mum who ruined Christmas (we don’t even have a tree!), but that is a story for another day. A day when I can focus my thoughts and think over it logically instead of emotionally…

Anyway, I didn’t come here to tell you what I WASN’T going to tell you!

I love Xander. I know that kinda goes without saying, but it really hit me at midnight. I never had any idea how much I could love someone else. I love hubster, but it’s really a different emotion. I love X so much that I want to keep him all to myself. He makes me crazy! A day with a crawling 6 month old is exhausting, so when Dean walks in the door, I can’t wait for him to take over. But every night, it’s the same thing. I tell him I’m going to bed early so he can look after the boy for the next few hours until he goes to bed. He agrees and takes over. An hour later, I will still be sitting in my recliner, watching the two of them together. Not because I don’t trust him, but because I’m Steven Tyler! I do not wanna miss a damn thing!

“Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are…”

Monitor check: Laying on his side, kicking one leg, as if to prove to the world that he is still fighting it.

Back to the story…

I’m really having trouble with family at the moment, I’m feeling as if I had a child for them, not for me. I know it’s the same thing mothers always whinge about, the grandparents spoiling their grandkids and disagreeing with your parenting style (whether verbally disagreeing, or showing it through IGNORING EVERYTHING YOU ASK THEM TO DO)! It just bothers me. I don’t know if it’s the protector in me, but man!!!

Monitor check: The music just stopped, and both legs are still. We have success!

… So as I was sitting here, watching the Michael Buble Christmas Special” and wishing away his first Christmas, I became really sad. I felt like I had a terrible day today, and had he been older, he may have had a terrible day too. And it would be all my fault! Could I love him SO much, that it could be bad for him?

“Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart…”

Cue Michael and Mariah singing “All I Want For Christmas”. It’s true. All I wanted for Christmas was him. All I wanted for the foreseeable future was him. And we got him. We made him! I remember when we found out we were having a baby, I thought I was really prepared to be a mum. I knew my stance on all the important issues. I knew what kind of mum I wanted to be. I had prepared myself for all the negative feelings I may have: Depression, anxiety, failure… But I never prepared myself for love. Painful, blissful, unconditional love. That one really punched me in the heart!

“Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard…”

In my adult life, most of my extreme feelings have been negative. I could never have planned for the longing I felt before I even met him, or the wonder I felt when we finally did! I could never have imagined the delight in something as simple as a smile or a laugh, or the pride I feel when he learns something new. If someone told me, I would not have believed that my heart would grow so much, and he would take up every inch of that extra room. To think of not having him, not as if something bad happened to him, but just if we didn’t decide to have a baby… It actually makes me cry! Hence, crying at midnight. And that’s how we got here.

“I’m going back to the start…”

A simple thought of loving Xander turned into something so emotionally complex, and I think that I just couldn’t deal with it as it washed over me.

And then, the next emotionally complex thought… #2?

LYRICS: COLDPLAY – THE SCIENTIST

The beginning is the end is the beginning...

I did it.

I finally did it!

I found something to do... A creative outlet to keep me from going insane... A way to keep people from un-friending me on facebook for flooding their news feeds with endless baby pictures...

I started a blog.

I figured "How hard could it be"? A movie reference here, a song lyric there, and some photos in between. And if I could get through it with a little humour, then I'd be laughing! (I'm so sorry... I put that in purely for my husband's benefit, AKA the king of puns and ‘dad jokes’. Please don't judge my blog on this terrible joke!).

So I sat down and thought "What am I going to write about? I'm not a particularly interesting person, and there are so many other blogs out there already." Then I remembered (or more accurately ‘realised’. Like I ever forget...) that I have an almost-8-week old son. I could write about him! But he doesn't do much yet. Just sleep, eat, poop and cry… And laugh, kick, squint, fart, burp, murmur… I suppose he does keep me pretty entertained. Then I thought about how only a week ago he DIDN’T laugh, and 2 weeks ago he DIDN'T smile, and that already time was flying by so fast! I realised I was already starting to forget the story of the day he was born, and various things to do with the pregnancy, and even details of how little Xander Panda came to be! So I decided, while the motivation was there, I had to get started right away!

I opened my laptop and kinda stared at it for a while. Where do I start? Then I started writing the stuff above. I stopped when I got to this line, and stared at it for another long while… I had asked myself how hard it could be? I think I am getting my answer.

Now, where was I? Oh, right… So I wanted to write about Xander’s conception (not the gory details), what happened while I was pregnant with him, and how his birth went. So I started brainstorming the events that I wanted to share. But for each event I listed, I remembered the complications. For the first time, I realised that I was not just a whinger, but my pregnancy was really hard! I was pretty down on myself throughout the whole thing. I never experienced the whole “I am with child so everything is right with the world” kinda joy. Although people always told me I looked “really well” and “barely even looked like I was pregnant”, there was always some kind of hell going on behind the curtain.

So then I decided it would be about the problems I had during pregnancy and birth… But that would be pretty depressing and who would want to read it???

So then I decided it would NOT be about my problems, but instead about only the good things that happened… But that would not really be telling the whole truth about the reality of motherhood and how all these things never turn out quite the way you expect!!!

My head is a confusing place sometimes…

So then… I was back to not knowing what it would be about!

* * *

So here I am, 6 weeks later… Xander is 14 weeks tomorrow! My, how time flies…

I had disappointed myself. I quit the blog before I even started. All because I was so focused on what I wanted it to be about that I didn't actually get to the “writing” part. I realised this morning that it should be about all of the things I listed. The good, the bad, and the ugly. My experiences, my opinions, my choices. And hopefully, one day soon, I will get around to writing out Xander’s birth story. But my main goal with the blog is not to be judgemental. I want to use it to pass on things as I learn them. I want anyone who reads it to feel like they are welcome here, no matter their beliefs or practices. Because I believe that parenting is hard enough without people telling you that you are doing something wrong all the time. Parents should stick together! Otherwise, the children will unite, form a rebellion and rise up against us… Oh, wait… That’s already happened, hasn't it? I still have a little time before Xander joins, right?

So that’s what this is all about, in a nutshell. A huge nutshell. “Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell? Look at the size of this bloody great big nutshell! What sort of shell has a nut like this?”. Sorry, couldn't resist! Kinda like a patchwork quilt, of sorts. I would love to make a real one, but I can't sew, so this will have to do. But hopefully, my posts are sewn together better than my quilt would be!

Uh Oh! I smell poop!

So with that, I leave you with a picture of the boy who motivated me to do this, giving his best “Blue Steel” look ;) Love his face!