It is over. Xander’s first Christmas.
It’s done. I’m sitting here, watching him on the video monitor as he resists
sleep, and crying…
In all honesty, I am glad to see the
back of Christmas. I didn’t even wrap X’s presents until 2 hours ago. I bought
him a few, got over Christmas, and haven’t looked at them since (until wrapping
them, that is). I’m becoming the mum who ruined Christmas (we don’t even have a
tree!), but that is a story for another day. A day when I can focus my thoughts
and think over it logically instead of emotionally…
Anyway, I didn’t come here to tell you
what I WASN’T going to tell you!
I love Xander. I know that kinda
goes without saying, but it really hit me at midnight. I never had any idea how
much I could love someone else. I love hubster, but it’s really a different
emotion. I love X so much that I want to keep him all to myself. He makes me
crazy! A day with a crawling 6 month old is exhausting, so when Dean walks in
the door, I can’t wait for him to take over. But every night, it’s the same
thing. I tell him I’m going to bed early so he can look after the boy for the
next few hours until he goes to bed. He agrees and takes over. An hour later, I
will still be sitting in my recliner, watching the two of them together. Not
because I don’t trust him, but because I’m Steven Tyler! I do not wanna miss a
damn thing!
“Come up to
meet you, tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are…”
Monitor check: Laying on his side, kicking
one leg, as if to prove to the world that he is still fighting it.
Back to the story…
I’m really having trouble with
family at the moment, I’m feeling as if I had a child for them, not for me. I
know it’s the same thing mothers always whinge about, the grandparents spoiling
their grandkids and disagreeing with your parenting style (whether verbally
disagreeing, or showing it through IGNORING EVERYTHING YOU ASK THEM TO DO)! It
just bothers me. I don’t know if it’s the protector in me, but man!!!
Monitor check: The music just
stopped, and both legs are still. We have success!
… So as I was sitting here, watching
the Michael Buble Christmas Special” and wishing away his first Christmas, I
became really sad. I felt like I had a terrible day today, and had he been
older, he may have had a terrible day too. And it would be all my fault! Could
I love him SO much, that it could be bad for him?
“Questions
of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart…”
Cue Michael and Mariah singing “All
I Want For Christmas”. It’s true. All I wanted for Christmas was him. All I
wanted for the foreseeable future was him. And we got him. We made him! I
remember when we found out we were having a baby, I thought I was really
prepared to be a mum. I knew my stance on all the important issues. I knew what
kind of mum I wanted to be. I had prepared myself for all the negative feelings
I may have: Depression, anxiety, failure… But I never prepared myself for love.
Painful, blissful, unconditional love. That one really punched me in the heart!
“Nobody said
it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard…”
In my adult life, most of my extreme
feelings have been negative. I could never have planned for the longing I felt
before I even met him, or the wonder I felt when we finally did! I could never
have imagined the delight in something as simple as a smile or a laugh, or the
pride I feel when he learns something new. If someone told me, I would not have
believed that my heart would grow so much, and he would take up every inch of
that extra room. To think of not having him, not as if something bad happened
to him, but just if we didn’t decide to have a baby… It actually makes me cry! Hence,
crying at midnight. And that’s how we got here.
“I’m going
back to the start…”
A simple thought of loving Xander
turned into something so emotionally complex, and I think that I just couldn’t
deal with it as it washed over me.
And then, the next emotionally complex
thought… #2?
LYRICS:
COLDPLAY – THE SCIENTIST
